Sometimes, crazy

Elissa dress by Tina Mak

I am planning two weddings. That's right. You read: two weddings.

If I had been smart...oh, if only I had been smart!...I would have planned one wedding and donned the beautiful maternity dress above.

But no. I am having a small, private courthouse wedding in a week. Then, at a date unknown, some larger crazier function with all of my family and friends. Both events will be amazing and awesome.

I just feel silly. Indulgent. Stressed. Crazy.

More of those lovely maternity dresses can be found at Tina Mak's site.

If I could do it all over, I would plan one large wedding no matter how pregnant I was!

Kitty boy

Skippyjon Jones (1st book) by Judy Schachner

I have loved this book since its publication in 2003. I picked up a copy while working at the toy store. Now I read it to baby and sometimes also my own kitties, Percy and Marie.

It's one of the most fun, sometimes challenging, read aloud books to read to children. In 2004 it won the first annual E.B. White Read Aloud Award.

I've read this book to kids as young as 3 and as old as 10. They all crack up, especially when the reader has difficulty with Skippy's language! He thinks he is a Spanish-speaking Chihuahua, but he has no Spanish speaking skills. He transforms his language using his imagination. This causes tongue twisters similar to my other favorite author, Dr. Seuss. 

My own kitty boy, Percy, in his dream world as he wraps himself in Christmas paper

Second Trimester Euphoria

As I wallowed in my pregnancy sickness during the first trimester, my baby was growing normally (as far as I knew) and parasitically in my womb. Yet, I couldn't see beyond the fog.

Until two wonderful things happened.

Panda and I went for our second trimester ultrasound and were able to see all of our baby's wonderful body parts. We also learned the gender - it's a boy! Seeing him larger than a lentil, well-developed, and very active relieved me like nothing else could.

I was able to attach personality to him. Calling the baby "him" instead of as "it" or "baby" was the first best change. Additionally, we could talk about names more specifically. I could start planning his room and books for his bookshelf!

The ultrasound changed me in many ways, but it was also a mommy friend (sadly, long-distance) who gave me perspective that allowed me to start to really enjoy and savor this pregnancy. She wrote to ask if I was experiencing second trimester euphoria yet?

I was still sick and starting to feel more uncomfortable at night, losing the ability to sleep in my favorite position, on my back. So, I asked her what this imaginary euphoria was?

She replied: I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but enjoy the pregnancy. I know you are tired as it is, and I don't mean to scare you, but the first six months after the baby are born are really hard!

Coupled with my good feelings post-ultrasound, I let her words sink into me. I realized that this was the last time ever in my life that I would be simply me. From now until my last breath, I will be a mother, a title that brings both joy and fear, expectation and doubt, responsibility and gravity.

After baby I would have to share Panda's attention with that of our child, too.

While I was ready for this change, and even more convinced that we would be a good family, I needed to enjoy this time. The me time, the two of us time, the before time.

Are You Still In There?

During the first trimester, it's common for women to wonder if their pregnancy is still viable. This is the period of highest risk, when most pregnancies fail. Despite being told by my OB during my second appointment that my chance of miscarriage was less than 5%, I was still nervous and convinced I wasn't pregnant. (Holding onto that latent fear of a terminal disease.)

It was a lonely period, buoyed only by my fiance (henceforth "Panda") and the only friend I had confided in, Zombie. Our friendship goes back many years, to our crazy days in Washington, D.C., working for a boutique children's toy and book store. Now, she is mother to an adorable 2 1/2 year old daughter, Baby Z.

Zombie and I spoke daily via email and text. She immediately sent me a pregnancy guide book, baby's first toy, a link to a pregnancy calendar, and a list of infant must-haves.

She also told me that what I was feeling was completely normal. Her friendship kept me partially sane during those first three months.

At my third OB appointment, we heard the baby's heartbeat again and I was out of the first trimester. I had to promise Panda I would stop freaking out about losing the pregnancy. Then, we shared the good news with our parents and families.

Of course, revealing our pregnancy launched its own series of questions and concerns...

And now, proof that Aliens is all about motherhood --

First Trimester Blues

How does the confirmation of pregnancy change how it feels in my body? During the first eight weeks, I had little indication of my pregnancy. Some tiredness, some aching in my breast and stomach, as though I had cramps, yet nothing extreme as other women had mentioned (the dreaded morning sickness).

A day after my OB confirmed my pregnancy and administered the first ultrasound, I started developing nausea.

This is how I imagined it --

Body to brain, "So, now you know?"
Brain, "Yes. We're very excited. Can't you tell?"
Body, "Oh yeah. There's a lot we're feeling. Now you will to. Hahahahaha (evil laugh)."

The nausea was crippling. Barely able to function, I missed work and had to tell my supervisors before I was ready to tell my family. By the time of my second OB appointment, I had tried every home remedy, including ginger, crackers, seabands, peppermint, and meditation.

This is how I felt.  Photo credit: www.slschofield.com.

My OB prescribed me anti-nausea medication, so I could function again. Prior to my pregnancy, my OB was just OK. Post-pregnancy, she was glowing.

I was glad one of us was.

"I love babies," she said. "After 10 years of doing this, I still love bringing babies into the world." Well, that's great. I would hate if my OB despised her job. I've found OBs to be the nosiest doctors. That's not a complaint. Over the years, they've been the only ones who have asked me about my stress levels in addition to my sex life. Pregnancy was no different.

She wanted a lot of details about my partner, which made me worry about how comfortable it would be to be a teen mom or an unwed mother. After being ill, being depressed and moody, and being scared as a result of the pregnancy, I have a lot of respect for women who are pregnant and parent on their own.

Pregphobic and Pregnant: Part 2

By 2010, my pregphobia receded to a distant memory, something to laugh at. By that point, my sister had two young sons, and I had several friends who had adorable children. They all survived their alien invasion and turned out to be mostly normal again.

I also met and fell in love with wonderful, caring, and generous man in Chicago, IL. He proposed on Valentine's Day.

Despite my fear of pregnancy, I loved children. I always smiled at infants and kids whenever I passed them in stores or on the street. Being an auntie was a favorite activity of mine. So I knew I wanted children, and I knew my fiance would be a wonderful father. Shortly after he proposed, we discussed babies.

I was worried that my age and my family's history of fertility issues may create some issues for us in starting our family. We decided to start trying and leave the creation of life up to fate.

That was February.

By March, my fiance realized I was pregnant. I thought my excessive sleepiness was cancer. (I have a touch of hypochondria, too.)

He was right.

My reaction? Great! And uh oh. I was facing my own John Hurt Moment!

Pregphobic and Pregnant: Part 1

My pregphobia hit its height in the spring of 2006. I was living in New York City, hustling through life as a grad student (creative writing, need I say more?), a fundraising associate, and heavy drinker. My life consisted of: booze, books, friends, and boys, in that order. Obviously, not the time in life to be considering parenthood. Thankfully, that wasn't an issue for me, but it didn't mean I couldn't be frightened of it.

Pregphobia, as defined by my friend Janice -- a type of anxiety disorder, defined as a persistent fear of pregnancy or pregnant people.

That spring every woman in NYC was pregnant. Or seemingly so. I saw them everywhere with their bubbled stomachs. I remember a particular day when I was at the corner of Broadway and 6th Avenue with three pregnant ladies all in tight black dresses that emphasized their protrusions and another was crossing the street towards us. It was claustrophobic. They were swarming me like insects! Suddenly sweaty and woozy, I bolted from the corner and dashed for home.

To say I have mother issues is an understatement. Though in my defense, I think a lot of sane women fear the "John Hurt Moment". Let's face it, there is something alien about pregnancy...